November 22, 2010
There are some dates you are supposed to never forget. The day you got married. May 24, 2003. The day you became a Mother. August 31, 2006. Your 13th surprise birthday party, January 16, 1993. But there are some day which change your life and the way you look at it forever……but you must go look at a calendar to remember what the exact date was.
One such day was November 22, 2010. I did have to look it up, I remembered that it was the Monday before Thanksgiving, but not the date. You see the reason I disappeared from NaBloPoMo last year was because I went crazy on November 22, 2010. That sounds horrible, and there are other ways to put it, but that it is what it felt like so I think it fits pretty well. I am going to tell you what happened. It is kinda hard, but I am going to write it down here for the same reason I want to do NaBloPoMo this month, to remind myself that the Sarah* in the Fall of 2010 is not the Sarah in the Fall of 2011.
This story actually starts back a little ways. Alllll the way back to March of 2010. That was the month when KH and I decided we were going to not try not have a baby. Did ya get that? That means we were not going to do anything to prevent, but I was also not going to obsess about trying to get pregnant. Because we both pretty much thought I would get pregnant pretty quickly, I started taking prenatal vitamins and started to wean off of the Lexapro I had been on pretty much since that other time I went crazy. I felt good! Life was Good! There was no reason I needed an anti-anxiety medication. My 10mg went to 5mg and then 2.5mg and then nothing. I was totally off the Lexapro by April. I also kept having this weird pain in my side….and it was getting worse! It was my gallbladder. It was full of a medicine sludge from all of the stupid hormones I had taken in the fall and winter of 2009! ACK! Fine. I was not taking anymore hormones. Side still hurt. Damn it.
On April 5th of 2010 I went in to have my gallbladder yanked out. I was wheeled back at about 7:55 AM. At 7:59 KH got a call from an unknown number. He ignored it. His wife was in surgery after all! At 8:05 it rang again. He answered it. It was his boss’s boss’s boss. That cushy job that let him hang out with us all the time? The one that paid great, and had excellent benefits and had my hubby around all the time? Turns out he was around all the time because there was not really enough work for him. He got RIF’d. (That means reduction in force if you are like me and had no clue.) So. No job. Wife in surgery. Wife not on her anxiety drugs and kinda sorta trying to get pregnant. Yup, that about covers it.
All day he took such good care of me. My parents were here with us, so it was 5PM before I was lucid and we were alone. He was so sweet, and I felt strangely calm as he told me that I was now a SAHM to an out of work husband. People brought us food for a week because I was out of commission. I started telling my super close friends what had happened. My MOPS steering team collected money and gave me a Kroger gift card. It was wonderful and horribly embarrassing all at the same time. We had to cancel our vacation I was so looking forward to. My mom spent the whole summer in KY working on my Ma’s house, and Gabs was being a brat. My dad was obsessing about school projects and calling every five minutes. JH was getting divorced and I had to go to court, and a million other little stressors were quickly adding up.
We had unemployment, and a small severance package, and insurance for a month. KH started getting interviews pretty quick…but nothing to match the pay he had before. We had said we could make it until July 1st and then I would start looking for a job too. He got hired on June 20th. Not as much money and he had to drive to the capital city, but it was a job in his field which was pretty darn secure. I also took a pretty sweet little job at IH’s preschool, it doesn’t pay much, but not much is more than none, and IH gets free tuition. SCORE! We waited until the new insurance kicked in and then threw away my birth control pills AGAIN.
But something weird happened. My period never came! Like a week late, then a month, and then TWO MONTHS, no period. I was sure I was pregnant. Positive. But test after test kept coming up negative. After it was almost two months late I got one test with a faint double line. The next day I was at the preschool when (so TMI, really sorry about that) I started bleeding so hard, I thought I was dying. I had to go home and change it was so bad. I called the OB of course and some blood work and an ultra sound showed that I either had a chemical pregnancy, or not. Thanks for clearing that up. Either way, not PG now.
I also had been feeling……off. Nervous and jittery and thinking all kinds of intrusive thoughts. Like before, only not. The hypochondria was horrible and I was doing all kinds of stupid rituals again. I pushed through, convinced that I would be fine. The OB gave me another hormone to get my cycle back in check. I accepted every photography gig I was offered because we were still trying to bounce back from that whole three months of no income. I stayed up every single night editing pictures, and when I did go to bed I was just a tangle of nerves and heartburn.
I did that for about a month. The week before Thanksgiving KH had a week of vacation. We had no money to go somewhere, so I made to-do lists everyday. At least our house would be back in order and I could stop stressing about that! I had a mountain of laundry and every time I looked at it, I had a literal panic attack. We had some family pictures taken by one of my friends using my camera. I told her to just shoot non-stop thinking she would get at least a few good ones by chance. She took me at my word at took 2300 pictures in an hour. They sat in a folder on my computer taunting me. She got a few good ones, but I know the smile was so not real.
KH got sick, IH was being whiny and NONE of my to-do list got done.
Sunday night, November 21. KH got IH in bed finally. I sat for hours guzzling Dr. Pepper and editing pictures of another family, one with three gorgeous kids, including the most precious baby girl. A lovely and thin SAHM who had a stunning house and a nice car and had just returned from a beach vacation with just her husband. And they were beautiful pictures. Really, still some of my best work to date. I finally finished at about 3AM, November 22. I crawled into bed next to my husband. He had been snoring peacefully for hours. I tossed and turned and fretted. I could not sleep. I looked at the clock, I knew hubby’s first alarm went off at 4AM, and he would go back to sleep and hit snooze three times before actually getting up at 4:45. I tried to go to sleep. I really did. The alarm went off. I stared at the darkness.The alarm went off. I stared at the darkness still. The alarm went off. I started to be so anxious I was literally vibrating. It went off, and he got up and headed to the shower. Finally. It was quiet. It was dark. I had a soft bed all to myself. I had three hours until IH would wake up. Only not. I hear a cry and a door slam and little feet padding across my floor. He climbed in bed with me. He snuggled next to me. It felt like he was choking me. I could not breathe……
to be continued tomorrow.
*I am over the whole using fake names bit. My name is Sarah. There are about a million and a half of us, and no one is reading this anyway, so I am going to use my real name dangit! I refer to my hubby as KH and my son has IH all the time, I even have it on a necklace I often wear so that is who they are. The dog can remain the dog I guess.
Filed under NaBloPoMo, lexapro lexplains it | Comments OffToday is probably not the day to write very much.
I want to tell you about my first not good day at work as a preschool teacher. But I am afraid I might get dooced.
I want to tell you that some days I want to be back on Lexapro so bad, but that makes me sound like a drug addict.
I want to tell you about what is going on with my uterus, but no one wants to read about gynecological issues. (edited to add. I am not pregnant. Please don’t ask me if I am!)
I want to tell you the huge list of things I need to be doing right now, but it intimidates me to even think about it.
I want to tell you about so many things, but just can’t get the words out!
So have a cute picture of my kid instead.
If I were a dog I would just pee on everyone and the matter would be solved.
Have I told you about MOPS (Mother’s of PreSchoolers)? I love MOPS, this is my second year to be on the steering team and it is probably one of the most amazing groups of which I have ever been a part. Most of my close friends are now from MOPS, and a huge chunk of my photography clients are from MOPS.
In October I announced I was going to have a sale! 20% off, just for MOPS moms, in the month of November. I booked several new customers. Great news! The very next week, a mom who is new to our group announced she is a photographer too! And, will have a day where she does FREE family portraits in a local park!
And, I feel….unhappy about this. Now, I have looked at her website and she is okay, but I think I am better. I know that seems vain, but it is pretty obvious. I know I must be getting more work than her because I would NEVER have time to do free portraits in the month everyone is getting their Christmas cards done. I have had one family cancel, and I have no reason to think Photographer B is the cause. But, it still makes me feel icky.
Is 20% too little a discount for women whom I love? I am still dang affordable. Should I have MADE time to do free portraits? (I have three sessions booked for the day she is doing free shots.) Is this going to hurt my business?
It also makes me feel suspicious because she is doing them midday! Outdoor portraits in the middle of the day? Um. No. Never.
Is there anything I can do? Anything I should do? Grow up and welcome healthy competition?
Filed under NaBloPoMo, Photography, lexapro lexplains it | Comments (2)Just so you know, I think you are crazy.
I have these friends/clients whom I love. I know them very, very well, and they hire to me to take various pictures for them about three times a year. This family is so sweet, and intelligent, and has good taste. But they are crazy. And so are half of you, and I am going to tell you why.
So I took this picture of the above mentioned family for their annual Christmas card shoot. It is a good picture, I think we can all agree on that. I thought it would be such a good Christmas card that I even did a (free of charge!) mock up for this lovely mom. But.
You should also know that this family moved here a few years ago from Oklahoma…….and that they are freaking HUGE OU fans. Perhaps you don’t know any OU fans, but they do things like yell “BOOMER SOONER” and send you text messages that say BOOOOOOMMMMEEERRR SOOOONEEER just to annoy me. Anyway this precious family loves OU football so much that I think they are going to use this picture instead:
And that is why they are crazy. But it gets worse! I know people who spend THOUSANDS of dollars a year on college football tickets……and are not even alums of that school! Someone please explain it to me? It is not just the men around here. It is whole families of rabid college football fans raising little baby football fans who sit on the lap of really old football fans and who all dress in the same unflattering colors and put stupid little flags on their cars. This whole state shuts down if the big state team is playing.
Speaking of which, there is one school in my state that everyone is crazy about football wise. If you ask any academic they will tell you it is not even a very good school! But they get gobs of state money, and people dream of sending their kids there. It is nuts I tell you! Why would you save up to send your precious child to a school with a good football team even if they are not going to play football? Would you not want them to get the best education instead?
And why are people so “for” schools they did not even GO TO? Please someone help me understand.
And the money these stupid coaches get — whereas my wonderful professors had to worry about their retirement benefits? Insane. Not just insane, but morally wrong.
So in other words, please forgive me if I decline your football viewing party, or do not “like” your post being so happy about a touchdown on facebook. It is not that I don’t love you. I do love you! I just think you are CRAZY!
Filed under NaBloPoMo, Soap box, lexapro lexplains it | Comments (12)Scary Story.
I have a scary story to tell you, Internet. Hang on, it is chilling.
On a cold and dark night, on the eve of Halloween, a young mother dared to drive alone with her child to Capital City for a huge Halloween carnival. The terrors started as soon as she hit the exit ramp for her destination….and it was backed up in both directions. Horror upon horror, in the back seat sat a four year old who had not had a nap, and had no patience for traffic jams. The carnival was packed; parking was obscene! It had been years since the young woman had braved such chaos. She curiously paid a large sum of money to enter this house of atrocities, and then proceeded to walk around and reject one activity after another because the lines were too long. Then the whining started. ” Mama, I want to do this. Mama, I want to do that. Mama, I need a pummel cake. Mama, why is that man dressed like that?” It was Halloween eve, perhaps he had been possessed? No, he was just four. The night wore on. Scary things were seen and little fun was had. The young lady was prepared to call the night a wash and refuse to come back to this place ever again.
And then, and then the small child pointed out that there were tickets, tickets that had been purchased and not used. Five of them. The young lady tried to get her money back, but no. The evil witches at the ticket booth would not refund her money. She looked around for a quick something without a seven mile long line. That is when he saw it. The small child had seen what he wanted to do, what he wanted to spend his tickets on. A THIRTY FOOT ROCK CLIMBING WALL. Now this kid is pretty small. Forty pounds and forty inches tall actually–waaaay too small to do this kind of X-TREME sport. The young lady walked over to the man running this abomination, and inquired, “How old do you have to be?”
The man glanced at her precious child carelessly and said the little boy could try if he wanted to . We hate this man. The lady and child stood in line and waited and waited, the five red tickets growing moist clutched in the child’s pudgy little palm. It was still the palm of a baby! Why could the man in charge not see that? While in line the lady tried to talk the kid baby out of it. They watched as a dozen kids six and seven years older than the little boy burst in to tears midway up. The mom said a hundred times that he could change his mind, that if he got up there and was scared, just let go and the man will bring you down.
Then they heard a BUZZZZZZZZ.
“What is that, Mama?”
“Well, if someone reaches the top, then they push that red button and it makes that noise.”
“I am going to do that.”
“Um. Okay. But! If you get scared at any point just let go, and the man will lower you down.”
“I am not going to be scared.”
As the baby and his mother inched closer in line, people started to ask how old the boy was. “Just turned four!” she repeated over and over. The next youngest kid to do it was seven they replied.
Then they were next. The man in charge strapped in the tiny child. He glowed in his orange astronaut suit as the lights hit him. The lady again offered him an out, and reminded him to not be scared, just let go when he wanted off.
And the kid climbed.
And he climbed. And he climbed. He had to jump to some of the footholds because his legs were too short. His mother was shaking on the ground. She imagined how mad her husband would be if he knew. She took pictures and shouted encouragement. The child climbed on. Well past the point 90% of the older kids had stopped and he was still going. He never fell. He never even needed that harness his mom was praying for. “Please let it be strong! Please let it not be too loose!”
And then……BUZZZZZZZZ.
That stinking kid climbed the whole way, and hit the red buzzer.
(You will think the next part is an exaggeration, but it is real. The lady even has witnesses.)
Then the entire crowd around this multistory rock wall burst into applause cheering for this little boy.
The mama burst into tears.
And the mother had a heart attack took her child home and swaddled him and nursed him and put him in his crib gave him a piece of string cheese, told him to brush his teeth, and tucked him in his bed.
The End
Filed under NaBloPoMo, Parenting for Dummies, The Son, lexapro lexplains it | Comments (3)Emotional.
I am feeling emotional today.
I feel happy that most of the people I voted for won last night. Not all, but most is pretty good.
I feel embarrassed because I misinterpreted something someone wrote on facebook. Stupid sarcasm.
I feel guilty for doing the ethically right thing instead of what my friends want me to do.
I feel proud of my kid who is so smart we are looking at special schools.
I feel chagrined that I just bragged about how smart my kid is on the Internet.
I feel remorseful that I left my dog in the backyard and went to work a week ago.
I feel loved when my husband kisses me enough to make my kid say “you are ignoring me!”
I feel annoyed that I am washing my sheets AGAIN because of a messy kid who refuses to stay in his own bed.
I feel confused why someone would pay someone else to do something that I would do better and cheaper.
I feel sad that my friends are having a rough time.
I feel…inspired to keep on blogging after NaBloPoMo.
Filed under NaBloPoMo, lexapro lexplains it | Comments (5)Cramming.
You know, NaBloPoMo is easy when you have not blogged in ages and a day! I could spend the whole month just filling you in on what has been going on. I will try not to make EVERY post like the first three minutes of Glee.
Right. So. JHJ, my brother, is still doing his JHJ thing. You know that underachieving, brilliant, hipster with no money thing. However BiL? Big changes there. Dude is in China. Seriously. He is in school. The rumor is that China is not all it is cracked up to be, and he may be home sooner rather than never, which is what I was afraid of. (There goes my vacay to China! JK. He is worth it.)
All the parental units are goodish, FiL works nonstop, MiL is an under appreciated genius, My dad is in Grad school! He has like an A+++goldstar on everything he turns in, and is constantly working on at least two research papers, (he is a little crazy if you want to know the truth. I guess the fruitcake doesn’t fall far from the tree.). My mama spent almost the entire spring and summer in KY. That sucked. Really. It sucked ’cause I missed my mom, but also because I wanted to help, but could not even think about what was happening up there without saying ACK! (ala Cathy. Do you miss Cathy? I found her final comic to be unrealistic. Chica was like 60.)
Ma, Mom’s mom, ( keep up now) is okay, I guess? Gabs is off at school and I think has a chance at being moderately successful if she would lose the PITA BF. (I thought twice about writing that, but it is nothing I have not said to her face. Repeatedly.) Ma is lonely, I think. The obvious answer is to have her move here, but I think that is a long shot for at least a few more months.
The depressing news is that my other Grandparents, remember the ones that live down the street at the independent living place? They are declining rapidly. Like really quickly. My grandmother mixing OTC diet pills, sleeping pills, and pseudo-ephedrine with her handful of Rxs, without our knowing, did not help. I wish I was kidding.
Let’s see. Who else. The Dog is good, she is limping some now from where she plays like a rhesus monkey after a hit of 5hour energy. The other dog? Um. Not so good. Actually as far from good as you can get–dead. He got hit by a car last week. We are very, very sad, and unfortunately were not at all surprised. He never grasped the concept of lifting his leg, but could dig out of a concrete enforced security fence in six seconds.
Okay, that is it for now. I am off to watch some more election results–it is a good night to be red!
Filed under Family-blame the DNA, NaBloPoMo, lexapro lexplains it | Comments (2)