Winter is coming.
When do you think the cliche of saying someone is in the autumn of life started? I would detest it if I did not feel it was so true. Septuagenarians, maybe Octogenarians, are enjoying the umber fruits they have sown, the golds of family and friends, bright reds of leisure time, the deep purples of being sharp of mind and yet full of wisdom.
But winter is coming. Their bodies turning from the lushness of summer to the achy coolness of fall to the frail and sharp branches of December. I will be 29 in January and have three living grandparents, four including The Husband’s “Nanny”. I have never lived in the same town with any of them until this year, and it makes me sad that I am getting to know them just in time for winter.
This fall is breathtaking, colors and textures, memories and love dripping from every moment, every vista. Beauty as far as I can see. But winter is coming, quickly, with fewer leaves and abilities everyday. I realize how lucky we are to have them, I just know how much harder it is to be here to see the leaves, the thoughts, the able bodies, the words fall away from them. Energy zapped from a half hour shopping trip, branches stripped and emptied from a mild breeze.
They know winter is coming, that the worst is still ahead, that they will be left cold. Scared. Bare. I don’t think winter is going to be pretty. We have tried to prepare by tucking away things that can be damaged by frost, by anticipating the bald branches, and steeling ourselves for the iciness of loss.
Winter is coming, and it will be hard, but we know spring always follows winter, new life springs from the fallen leaves of autumn. That new life will be be more awesome than any colors or flowers or soft winds we could possibly imagine. Winter is coming, but, oh, what a spring they will have.
Filed under Family-blame the DNA, Photography, faith | Comments (7)Forget the cup, my cistern, um if I had one, runneth over.
Alternate title: A prayer of Thanksgiving.
Thank you heavenly father for your church, for giving me the opportunity to know you, for giving me the ability to worship you and honor you openly. For your son.
Almighty God thank you for my husband, for his love, for his patience, for his parenting skills, for his career that provides for our family, for his arms that hold, for his smile, for his brain and his wit, for our intimacy, for his taste in wives.
Father of Glory thank you for my child, my son, for his giggles and his cries, his smile and his eyes, for his perfectly healthy little body, for his countenance, his vitality, his faith in you, his fearlessness, his intelligence, his strong will, even his mischievousness, for his naps, for his love.
God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob thank you for the body you have given me, for keeping it healthy so that I may use it to serve you, for the arms that hold, and the heart that loves.
Great I AM thank you for my mind that gives me reason to overcome fears, that lets me better understand you, that lets me enjoy the brilliance of others, that lets me turn within to better know you, so that I might know myself.
King of kings thank you for my mother, for her wisdom and guidance, and unconditional love, for her teachings, and understanding, for her companionship, for her future, love of my husband and son.
Lord of lords thank you for my father, for his sense of humor, his experience, his good judgment, the example he sets of hard work and trust in God. For the time he spends with his family, for the patience he extends to toddlers, and his love.
My refuge, thank you for my brother, for his well being, his cleverness, his many talents, our rapport, his friends that love him like family, his chance to branch out from our roots.
Creator of the heavens, thank you for my mother-in-law, for the awesome job she did raising my husband, for the love she has extended to me, for her gifts that she shares with so many people, for her empathy to all living things, for her love for her whole family.
Gracious and merciful God, thank you for my father-in-law, for his devotion to his family, for illustrating so perfectly the image of a loving husband and father to his sons, for his joyful levity, for his health, for his resemblance in so many ways to my son.
Adonai-Jehovah, thank you for my brother-in-law, for his renewed health, for his persistence, his wit, his faith in you, for the chance to find his helpmate, for his relationship with his family.
Alpha and Omega, thank you for our grandparents, the ones that we are still blessed with, and the ones that now rest with you. For being able to know them, love them, and honor them. For my son to be able to have a relationship and fond memories of so many of his great-grandparents, and pictures and fond stories of the rest.
Great Counselor, thank you for the gift of friends, for their fellowship, their devotion, the fun times we share, the shoulder they let me lean on, the ability to stay close though miles are between us.
Everlasting Father, thank you for your creatures, specifically the ones that live in my house, for their affection, and comfort, and health, for their tolerance of my son.
Oh, holy God, thank you for our finances that provide everything we need, and many things we want, and the jobs that provide them.
Living God, thank you for our home, it’s comfort, it’s protection, it’s security.
Abbah, thank you for the blessing of our transportation, it is reliable, and safe, and let’s us spend time with those we cherish, and go to the jobs we need.
El Shaddai thank you for our nation, for the ability of all people to have a voice, for democracy, and the freedom to worship you.
Oh majestic Father thank you for your creation of this earth, for the gifts it provides us so that we may feed, and clothe all that inhabit it, for the fresh water to drink, and clean air to breathe.
God Our Savior thank you for the ability to express myself freely, for this free and easy medium that allows me to share my thoughts and feelings.
Thank you, we praise you, we glorify you, Amen.
Filed under NaBloPoMo, faith | Comments (4)All I can say is that we need to pray.
Because this? Is so totally and completely wrong, so against everything that Jesus promoted when on earth. Please my better equipped Christian friends, tell how not to hate this guy, because I just want to take his horrible signs and beat him over the head with them. I want to ask him if he has read the same bible as me. If he understands the concept of grace, and love, and that God truly loves every single one of us. Please discuss.
Filed under NaBloPoMo, Soap box, faith | Comments (10)Overheard at a church not my own.
“Can you say your scripture? Remember it is for God so loved the world, John 3:16″
“For….God….so …um….the word!”
“Good!, that was close, and where is that it in the bible?”
“um…..”
“John……..?”
“John………Deere!”
Filed under Boy is my face red, faith | Comments OffA matter of faith.
Last night at VBS, the lesson was about Peter and Jesus walking on water, and the bible point was “Jesus gives us the power to be brave.” Do you know how hard it is to tell an eight-year old to just trust and have no fear? On Sunday the sermon was about the lilies of the field. God is clearly trying to tell me something.
I have written a little bit about depression and the reason I am on Lexapro. After seeing several different doctors and therapists, the crippling anxiety and hypochondria I was suffering was diagnosed as depression. I did not feel depressed. In fact, I never have. I did not cry for no reason, or not want to get out of bed. There were, however, days when I would spend hours upon hours googling symptom after symptom. There were nights, when I would clench my teeth so hard in my sleep , when I woke my face would be swollen. I would ask The Husband to take me to the E.R., ask my friends if I looked like I was having a stroke.
Before The Son was born, and when I had my last serious bout with what we now know was depression, I was CONVINCED I had a brain tumor. People may laugh, in fact I had a very dear friend make fun of me for some of the things I came up with. You just cannot understand what that kind of anxiety feels like until you have had it. To me it was real and serious and I was going to die before I got a chance to do anything with my life. It was my worst fear. Why was it my worst fear? I have grown up a Christian. I believe in eternal life, I know I am going to heaven. Yet the idea of dying young scared me so bad I would have panic attacks and think I was having a heart attack. I slowly worked through it, dealt with all of the grief and major changes which happened to me in such a short amount of time, and had several years where I never once thought I belonged on an episode of Medical Mysteries.
After The Son arrived in all of his blobby wonderfulness, I did go through a period of slight baby blues, but it was really not that serious. Then one day I was reading an article about Andrea Yates, the woman who killed five of her children. Bam! I was petrified of snapping. Snapping and hurting my baby. This is confusing, even for me, but I never wanted to hurt The Son. I never felt like I was going to hurt him, but I was afraid something would go haywire in my brain and cause me to harm my son. It was my new worst fear. It would cause me to not only lose him, my sweet darling baby who I loved beyond comprehension, but all of the other people whom I love at the same time (I cannot tell you how much our families love The Son, there is not a doubt in my mind he is the single most precious thing in about a dozen people’s life.) There would be no forgiveness or support for me if my nightmare came to fruition. There was something scarier than death now.
Instead of googling symptoms, I was reading in depth psychiatric papers on women who kill their children, trying to figure out what was different between them and me. I would try to keep myself out of situations these women were in (mostly lonely, isolated, over worked, poor). At the height of this fear, I was scared to be alone with my own baby. What if? What if I somehow went crazy too? For those of you wondering, women who are AFRAID of hurting babies NEVER actually harm their kids because they understand it is horrific. That is a BIG difference. Women like Andrea Yates do not understand they are doing something wrong. It may sound sick to you….and it may be what keeps me from hitting publish on this post, but I feel a lot of compassion for those women. They needed help and did not have the support system I have.
I was able to put words behind my fears and get help, both psychiatric and medical. I was suffering from a pretty common (COMMON! Why do we not know about this! Why is it not in What to Expect When You are Expecting? On the cover of Parents magazine? ((this is why I probably will hit publish))) form of PostPartum Depression. I took meds. I talked it out. I stopped trying to be a square peg in a round hole career wise. I got better. Now I am down to a microscopic dose of the drugs, and damn it all to hell, the anxiety is creeping back up on me. This time I am worried about being a good enough parent, or what would happen to The Son if something happened to me. I am handling it much better, it helps to know what your real problem is and makes it easier (but not easy) to rationalize your anxiety.
Why do I feel afraid at all? I am living the American Dream people! I am madly in love with my husband, and he is madly in love with me. We have a healthy, darling, happy child. We have a nice roof over our heads, plenty to eat, two cars that run (and one that doesn’t), and we get to spend time with each other, our family, and friends. We not only have a wonderful biological family, but a church family just as special. I know God has blessed my family and I with all of this, so why can’t I just trust He will continue to bless us, and stop the fear already? Am I such an immature Christian? Am I going to be forced to live my life on drugs because I cannot just let go? Will I pass this horrible gene/habit on to my fearless, faithful little boy? I am praying this is just a side effect of withdrawal, and once it all leaves my system, I will be brave. I understand Jesus gives us the power to be brave, I am just not sure I know it yet.
Filed under faith, lexapro lexplains it | Comments (7)