MOPS talk (part two)

November 18th, 2011

(continued from yesterday)

The next few months were incredible.  I took 10 mg of Lexapro, and did intensive talk therapy.   I started going back to bible study at my church.   Life was not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I started to feel more like myself.  I started to feel horrified by my scary thoughts instead of seriously considering them.  I started to enjoy my baby and feel the love for him that I felt like I should have had from day one. In July I finally pulled him out of daycare.

In August he turned one, and I felt like I had been through a battle.  I took him to the park and story time at the library.   In September of 2007 I came to my first MOPS meeting.  I started making friends, something I had been sorely lacking since I graduated from college.  I started to be that socially active. smart, funny girl that is the real me. I was not that person who cried all the time, and thought about death and hated to be around people.  And, honestly MOPS was the first place after I became a parent that gave me hope there was life on the other side of this whole motherhood thing.  I will never forget the first afternoon IH and I spent just cuddling and giggling and reading together and my heart just was so full and grateful I had been given this incredible gift.

There were three parts of my postpartum depression that I have had a really hard time getting over.   1.  Is the guilt I still feel for having seriously thought about harming my baby.  I just am not sure I will ever get over that guilt.   2.  Is the fear of getting pregnant again because I am terrified of going through that year of hell all over, and actually this fear is even worse now because my hormones went all crazy in the fall and I totally went crazy.  Like really. But, I still have this desire that won’t go away for another baby.  I will keep you updated on how that goes.   3.  The third is the hardest to explain and that is the spiritual ramifications of what I went through.  I was mad at God; I thought God was mad at me.  I wondered if I would ever get back that calm confidence which I had in my faith before IH was born.

I’m just hanging on to the fact that God made me.   God made me with my weaknesses, and strengths, and He does not make mistakes.  I am beautiful in His eyes, and He Loves me, like really loves me the way we love our babies.  No matter what.   He does not make mistakes.   Me having IH was not a mistake.   Me being IH’s mother is not a mistake.   And, it is okay to be unsure.   It is okay to be scared and even angry, as long as you go to God with those feelings.  As long as we let Him carry us when we are in that pit of despair, we are not alone.    And you know what? I am grateful to be here and to be a mother, this battle I have been through makes me view my role as a mother more divine,   as something more than just a maid and cook and chauffer, but that I have the absolute privilege of teaching this child about Jesus Christ.   I am grateful for this trial, or trying to be, because I know there is a plan for me and that God gave us this spiritual nature to turn to God during hard times, to pray for His help, and praise Him all the time.

(this next part are just my notes for the rest of the discussion)

2 Corinthians 4:8-11

We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh.

And 2 Corinthians 12:10

For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Up to 80 percent of new mothers experience the baby blues, a form of depression that begins a few days to a week after delivery and generally lasts no longer than two weeks.


·  insomnia

  • weepiness or sadness
  • diminished interest in once pleasurable activities
  • difficulty concentrating
  • change in appetite
  • anxiety
  • moodiness and irritability
  • withdrawal from family and friends
  • excessive guilt
  • panic attacks
  • suicidal, scary, or constant negative thoughts

PPD can strike up to a year after birth, but is much more common in the first few months

Other than medicine, therapy, and scripture there are other ways to fight PPD because while incredibly effective for me, the meds do have some drawbacks……like um hello orgasms!!

So.  Exercise and eating a healthy diet with out lots of additives and junk in it.   Yeah.  Um here is where you should do as I say and not as I do.  But seriously just moving is a huge  help.

Sleep, try your absolute best to get 9 hours of sleep a day.    Ask for help and support from your family and friends.   Become part of a group of loving moms who understand, like MOPS!

Don’t neglect your “outside.” Taking care of your physical self can sometimes help you feel better inside, regular showering clean clothes, make up fix your hair…..can help.

Go outside, a little sunshine a fresh air is awesome for you and your baby.

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