November 22, 2010

November 3rd, 2011

There are some dates you are supposed to never forget.  The day you got married.  May 24, 2003.   The day you became a Mother.  August 31, 2006.   Your 13th surprise birthday party, January 16, 1993.    But there are some day which change your life and the way you look at it forever……but you must go look at a calendar to remember what the exact date was.

One such day was November 22, 2010.   I did have to look it up, I remembered that it was the Monday before Thanksgiving, but not the date.    You see the reason I disappeared from NaBloPoMo last year was because I went crazy on November 22, 2010.    That sounds horrible, and there are other ways to put it, but that it is what it felt like so I think it fits pretty well.   I am going to tell you what happened.  It is kinda hard, but I am going to write it down here for the same reason I want to do NaBloPoMo this month, to remind myself that the Sarah* in the Fall of 2010 is not the Sarah in the Fall of 2011.

This story actually starts back a little ways.  Alllll the way back to March of 2010.   That was the month when KH and I decided we were going to not try not have a baby.  Did ya get that?  That means we were not going to do anything to prevent, but I was also not going to obsess about trying to get pregnant.  Because we both pretty much thought I would get pregnant pretty quickly, I  started taking prenatal vitamins and started to wean off of the Lexapro I had been on pretty much since that other time I went crazy.    I felt good!  Life was Good!  There was no reason I needed an anti-anxiety medication.  My 10mg went to 5mg and then 2.5mg and then nothing.  I was totally off the Lexapro by April.   I also kept having this weird pain in my side….and it was getting worse!   It was my gallbladder.   It was full of a medicine sludge from all of the stupid hormones I had taken in the fall and winter of 2009!  ACK!  Fine.  I was not taking anymore hormones.  Side still hurt.   Damn it.

On April 5th of 2010 I went in to have my gallbladder yanked out.   I was wheeled back at about 7:55 AM.   At 7:59 KH got a call from an unknown number.  He ignored it.  His wife was in surgery after all!  At 8:05 it rang again.  He answered it.  It was his boss’s boss’s boss.   That cushy job that let him hang out with us all the time?  The one that paid great, and had excellent benefits and had my hubby around all the time?  Turns out he was around all the time because there was not really enough work for him.  He got RIF’d.   (That means reduction in force if you are like me and had no clue.) So.  No job.   Wife in surgery.  Wife not on her anxiety drugs and kinda sorta trying to get pregnant.  Yup, that about covers it.

All day he took such good care of me.  My parents were here with us, so it was 5PM before I was lucid and we were alone.   He was so sweet, and I felt strangely calm as he told me that I was now a SAHM to an out of work husband.   People brought us food for a week because I was out of commission.  I started telling my super close friends what had happened.   My MOPS steering team collected money and gave me a Kroger gift card.   It was wonderful and horribly embarrassing all at the same time.  We had to cancel our vacation I was so looking forward to.   My mom spent the whole summer in KY working on my Ma’s house, and Gabs was being a brat.   My dad was obsessing about school projects and calling every five minutes.    JH was getting divorced and I had to go to court, and a million other little stressors were quickly adding up.

We had unemployment, and a small severance package, and insurance for a month.    KH started getting interviews pretty quick…but nothing to match the pay he had before.    We had said we could make it until July 1st and then I would start looking for a job too.   He got hired on June 20th.    Not as much money and he had to drive to the capital city, but it was a job in his field which was pretty darn secure.   I also took a pretty sweet little job at IH’s preschool, it doesn’t pay much, but not much is more than none, and IH gets free tuition.   SCORE!  We waited until the new insurance kicked in and then threw away my birth control pills AGAIN.

But something weird happened.   My period never came!  Like a week late, then a month, and then TWO MONTHS, no period.   I was sure I was pregnant.  Positive.  But test after test kept coming up negative.   After it was almost two months late I got one test with a faint double line.  The next day I was at the preschool when (so TMI, really sorry about that)  I started bleeding so hard, I thought I was dying.  I had to go home and change it was so bad.   I called the OB of course and some blood work and an ultra sound showed that I either had a chemical pregnancy, or not.  Thanks for clearing that up.   Either way, not PG now.

I also had been feeling……off.  Nervous and jittery and thinking all kinds of  intrusive thoughts.  Like before, only not.  The hypochondria was horrible and I was doing all kinds of stupid rituals again.   I pushed through, convinced that I would be fine.   The OB gave me another hormone to get my cycle back in check.   I accepted every photography gig I was offered because we were still trying to bounce back from that whole three months of no income.    I stayed up every single night editing pictures, and when I did go to bed I was just a tangle of nerves and heartburn.

I did that for about a month.  The week before Thanksgiving KH had a week of vacation.  We had no money to go somewhere, so I made to-do lists everyday.  At least our house would be back in order and I could stop stressing about that!  I had a mountain of laundry and every time I looked at it, I had a literal panic attack.   We had some family pictures taken by one of my friends using my camera.  I told her to just shoot non-stop thinking she would get at least a few good ones by chance.  She took me at my word at took 2300 pictures in an hour.   They sat in a folder on my computer taunting me.  She got a few good ones, but I know the smile was so not real.

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KH got sick, IH was being whiny and NONE of my to-do list got done.

Sunday night, November 21.   KH got IH in bed finally.  I sat for hours guzzling Dr. Pepper and editing pictures of another family, one with three gorgeous kids, including the most precious baby girl.  A lovely and thin SAHM who had a stunning house and a nice car and had just returned from a beach vacation with just her husband.   And they were beautiful pictures.  Really, still some of my best work to date.    I finally finished at about 3AM, November 22.      I crawled into bed next to my husband.   He had been snoring peacefully for hours.    I tossed and turned and fretted.  I could not sleep.    I looked at the clock,  I knew hubby’s first alarm went off at 4AM, and he would go back to sleep and hit snooze three times before actually getting up at 4:45.   I tried to go to sleep.  I really did.   The alarm went off.  I stared at the darkness.The alarm went off.  I stared at the darkness still.  The alarm went off.  I started to be so anxious I was literally vibrating.  It went off, and he got up and headed to the shower.  Finally.  It was quiet.   It was dark.  I had a soft bed all to myself.   I had three hours until IH would wake up.  Only not.  I hear a cry and a door slam and little feet padding across my floor.  He climbed in bed with me.   He snuggled next to me.  It felt like he was choking me.  I could not breathe……

to be continued tomorrow.

*I am over the whole using fake names bit.      My name is Sarah.   There are about a million and a half of us, and no one is reading this anyway, so I am going to use my real name dangit!   I refer to my hubby as KH and my son has IH all the time,  I even have it on a necklace I often wear so that is who they are.   The dog can remain the dog I guess.


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