Toad Racing: A Tutorial

A successful toad race starts with a successful toad.   You should find one at least two weeks in advance of race day, feed it a protein rich diet, and keep it well hydrated.  Or, you should let the teenager reach into the toad box at the front of the line and hand you a random one.  We went with option two this year as all the toads in our area seem to have succumbed during the Aporkalypse.

Next you need a good name.  Something fast sounding, like Lightening or Speedy.  The Son took one look at ours and said his name was Gordon.  He was named for him, not him.

Then you stand in line waiting for your chance to Toad Race, in the rain.  Not just a little rain, no, truly dedicated toad racers will stand umbrella-to-umbrella in a monsoon for their sport of choice.

When it is your turn at the Toad track, you have one more quick pep talk from your trainer (or mommy, whichever) about racing strategies.  These pep talks include reminders about not throwing the toad (like last year) or squeezing the toad so hard his guts come out through his eyes (like the caterpillar earlier in the week.)

You will then get into proper position; on your hands and knees behind your toad is the preferred method.  On command, you begin pounding the mat behind your toad in hopes of making him hop faster.  (FYI, there is not a PETA branch ’round these parts)

It is also often necessary to herd your toad to keep him in his lane.  Toads crossing first in other lanes are disqualified (I think, though we have never had a particularly speedy toad, so I may be wrong about this one.)

When the race is over it is often necessary to pose for the paparazzi.

Then collect your prize money and trophy (or Sonic coupon and participant ribbon) and head over to the winners circles for more pictures in the rain.

By that time you are already soaked and covered in toad goo and hay so your parents will probably say, “why not?”, and let you ride a few rides in the rain.

The pictures of the whole event are sparse because someone is not about to let their new camera be out in the rain.  You ride, partake of a corn-dog, then home for dry jammies and a nap.  A good day.

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