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Has feminism hurt our boys?
November 26th, 2008
Am I going to get kicked out of the club for having a post so entitled? I have been getting ready for some Thanksgiving travel around here, so read this–everyone, but especially if you have a son, and scan through this, and discuss. I will update with my thoughts later.
Are you kidding me, Mom?! Why can’t you just write a post about what you are thankful for like everyone else? Why do you need to start a debate?
Maybe if I close my eyes and wish really hard it will just skip straight to where you say, “everyone has a right to their own opinions,” and move on.
6 Responses to “Has feminism hurt our boys?”
I grew up in a household where there was inequity in some ways toward girls. Particularly as I grew up and was expected to do household chores not expected of my brothers.
As our children grew, we tried to instill fairness and teach both the importance of appropriate behavior. Also both were taught how to do traditionally “feminine” and “masculine” chores in order they might grow to be independent.
There are times when a little, very active boy in my presence is avoided. However, there are also disruptive, loud little girls I feel the same about. IMHO it nearly always appears this is due to their environment and that these are learned behaviors.
Thank you for linking to my post on the bias against boys. I look forward to following what your readers have to say about it.
Ok, so I read the blog, and skimmed through some of those comments but I don’t know if I can adequately chime in since I do NOT have children. My personal reaction to the comments on mothering.com was that these women are taking some off-hand comments VERY personally, when they were probably just meant as small talk or conversation filler. I understand that women become very defensive about their children, but I also think that some people just take themselves too seriously.
Speaking as a non-parent, I don’t think that feminism has made much difference in the way that boys are treated, at least in my presence. My dad preferred my brother over me. My brother (and his wife!) seem to prefer his son over his daughter. Feminism does not even seem to exist in this situation. I was lucky that I was raised by my very strong-willed grandmother who never let me think that I was inferior just because I was a girl.
My husband and I share chores (including yard work), because his mother instilled in him that women are equals and deserve respect. If that is because of feminism, Amen and Praise Jesus, I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I’m going to go off on a couple of tangents, but I suppose you all would expect nothing less from me.
First…as someone who worked with youth for a number of years, I can assure you that boys are FAR too often diagnosed with and medicated for ADHD. At one point in one church I served, I had 14 boys (and only 1 girl) on medication for ADHD, and that was out of only about 50 kids. Out of those fifteen, I’d say that only two REALLY needed medication for it, and one was the girl.
Medication (unless truly needed) doesn’t solve the problem. Medication merely masks the problem. I’ll describe one of the boys who in my opinion was medicated unnecessarily. This particular boy played sports, participated in numerous outdoor activities, had an amazing voice, was a bit outspoken and was very popular. His parents were VERY conservative. His younger sister was very reserved, quiet, a bit shy, but still pretty athletic and popular. But, this particular boy wanted to discuss everything, and frequently got excited in so doing. In a youth group setting, the boy loved to debate and challenge the opinions of others. He could usually articulate his feelings well, but was sometimes a distraction. I can see where this could be a problem in an academic setting. I can also see where teachers could adapt PART of their curriculum to fit HIS needs. Usually, all it took was telling this boy that there would be time for discussion at the end of our lesson, and he patiently and quietly waited until then. I think that if his teachers (at an early age) had caught that what he needed and thrived on was DISCUSSION, then they wouldn’t have unnecessarily recommended that he be placed on medication for ADHD. Additionally, this boy needed a bit more time to use some of his energy so that he DID wait patiently for discussion. I adapted my youth group schedule to include free-time in the gym and game room PRIOR to youth group so that boys like him could participate fully in our programs without being disruptive and distracting. Perhaps some sort of active learning is necessary for people like this boy.
Maybe what our schools should do is offer more time for active play and learning. When I was a child, we had three recesses EVERY day. By the time my brother was in elementary school six years later, that had been dropped to two (one of which was VERY short because it was at lunch-time). Additionally, lunch times of children and youth have shortened over the years to accommodate scheduling of the academic calendar. At the same time, class sizes have grown and teachers have lost a lot of creative freedom when it comes to designing curriculum for THEIR kids. We have lawmakers mandating what our kids should be taught and at what times and in what ways, when educators and school administrators should be making those decisions.
I see kids who aren’t learning in school. The schools have now dumbed down the material so that EVERYONE in the classroom can understand. That’s a noble idea, but wrong in practice. Children should be separated the way they were when I was a child. All this equality in education is a load of bs. Equality in education cannot exist, because equality in children does NOT exist. Children come from different socioeconomic levels, different backgrounds and different parenting styles. We’ve placed all those kids together in one classroom expecting one teacher to meet the needs of all those children, and it CANNOT be done.
I am not a teacher, nor do I have children of my own, but I’m speaking from experiences I gained while in school.
When I took honors classes and AP classes, I actually learned something. When there were no honors or AP sections for some courses that I had to take, I didn’t learn anything. This wasn’t because I didn’t try to learn something or because I didn’t pay attention or participate. No. It was because my teachers were spending all their time trying to get the kid across the room to understand basic things he should have known three years before. What resulted was a classroom full of people who didn’t want to be there. The kids who were behind were so behind that they couldn’t catch up and saw no point in being there. The kids who were ahead weren’t learning any new material and were bored to tears, thereby not wanting to be there. And the kids who were right on grade level were the kids who suffered most, because they actually could have learned something, but because of the other two subgroups, their class was so dysfunctional that they too did not want to be there.
I realize this was supposed to be about boys and girls, so I’ll go off on another tangent too. Though it still has educational undertones.
I did a random sampling of a major retailer’s children’s clothing for boys and girls ranging from baby to youth sizes.
Here’s what I found:
Baby girl clothing was all about love and being a little angel, helper, princess, etc., while baby boy clothing was more geared toward sports, being cool, being mean, naughty, trouble, monster, rebel, etc.
Girl clothing seemed to be attitudinal and materialistic, while boy clothing was more geared to sports, doing poorly in school, being better than others, trouble, etc.
Some specific t-shirt sayings for the four subgroups:
BABY GIRL – “Grandma and Grandpa’s Little Deer,” “Daddy’s Little Angel,” “Mom’s Little Helper,” “Princess,” “I Am Lovable,” “Daddy’s Little Girl,” “FYI: I’m the Cutest,” “My Mom Rules,” and “Dad’s Little Heart Breaker.”
BABY BOY – “Mom’s Half Pipe Half Pint,” “King of Cool,” “It’s All Downhill from Here,” “Eat My Snow,” “Believe Me…I’m Naughty,” “If You’re Looking for Trouble, Here I Am,” “Mom’s Little Monster,” “Dad’s Little Rebel,” “Bad Boys & Big Toys,” “Preschool Prankster,” and “Mischief Is My Business and Business Is Good.”
GIRL – “It Don’t Mean a Thing If It Ain’t Got That Bling,” “I Heart Snowdays,” “Girls Rule-Big Time,” “Girls Rule-Boys Drool,” “I’ll Grow on You,” and “Please Be Nice to My Ice.”
BOY – “Tuned Out,” “Crank It Up or Shut It Up,” “F Stands for Fantastic,” “I’m That Good,” “Smooth Like Butta,” “Welcome to Coolsville…Population: Me,” “You’re a 10 Out of a Possible Million,” and “You Are Entering a No Homework Zone.”
Now, I’m not sure what the implications of clothing are, but I do get a sense of stereotype fulfillment. Maybe girls wouldn’t act like such bitches if they weren’t put in clothing with such statements as “Girls Rule-Boys Drool,” and maybe boys wouldn’t be so unwilling to show emotions if they weren’t put in clothing with such statements as “Tuned Out.” Perhaps we are setting our children up for failure by dressing them in such a way that exploits the cyclical societal views that we don’t want passed on. It’s not like parents wake up and say, “Gee, I sure hope Johnny is a power-tripping, egotistical, girl-hating, fight-starting, unemotional ass hole.” By the same token, I hardly see parents saying, “I sure hope Susie is a snobby, materialistic, boy-hating, rumor-starting, bitch!” That’s not what parents hope for…at least I would hope.
So, perhaps it will just continue to be a cycle. At least where I live, it seems boys are still told to “Buck up and be a man!” and it seems that girls are still told that they are precious princesses and that they can do no wrong. I just have a problem with the disproportionate treatment of boys and girls. If you wouldn’t punish a girl for a certain behavior, then the same should be true for boys. And, if you wouldn’t berate boys for their involvement in sports, then the same should be true for girls.
I’ve said way too much. Feel free to edit me. Have a great Thanksgiving!!!
I completely agree that there are better options than medication for AD(H)D diagnoses. And, medication is a cop-out, basically just a band-aid fix. It does not cure the problem, just masks the symptoms. The underlying problem is still there. I agree that these kids need to learn coping strategies, and that the adults in these children’s lives need to do more than just hand their child a pill when things get a little rough.
As far as the clothing goes, I think the only people to blame for kids wearing those clothes are the parents. If you don’t like the snarky comments, don’t put your kids in those clothes. If enough parents refused to buy them, then the manufacturer would quit making them. I wish I had more time to write as much as ShoeShe, but it’s the day before Thanksgiving and everyone and THEIR BROTHER is trying to get in to see the Dr. before the long weekend.
I have to say that I do get incredibly tired of the obvious bias shown between boys and girls. Growing up I never understood why people thought girls were so much better/nicer/sweeter than boys. I certainly didn’t see it, because whether you’ll admit it or not, when adults weren’t around girls were just plain MEAN!!! In my experience anyway.
I didn’t intend that to come across as sexist in any way, I just think that there should be a happy medium between girls being all innocent, and boys being trouble. Both boys and girls can have innocent sides as well as trouble sides, just depends on what mood they wake up in.
Legal Disclaimer:
The preceding were the thoughts and opinions of The Husband and in no way expresses the views or opinions of Hey You. (unless she agrees with me, of course)