Cartwheeling over the inappropriate line.

Are there some people that just flat out intimidate you? I don’t know why every now and again I will meet someone like that, someone whom I cannot stand up to. When I worked at Heartless Cellular Company there was this chick named…well I am still scared of her so I will not give her real name, we will just call her Carol. I got a promotion about a year after I had been there and had to go to a new department. In this department, there were several women who had been at that same job for years and years, I would later learn why they had not been promoted.

My third day on the new job, I announced I was off to pick up some lunch. Carol asked if I would mind picking her up something as well, it seemed like a good way to be friendly, so I agreed. She started digging around in her purse to find some cash, and my lunch hour was slowly tick tocking away. I said, “How about I just get lunch today and you get it next time.” “That would be great, thank you!”  She then handed me a pre-written list of what she wanted from a restaurant I had not been planning on going to.

After that, every single day at 11:00 I would get an email saying, “Hey Girlfriend! What have you been up to? I have been looking at OMG awesome wedding sites for when I marry my MAN! What are you doing for lunch? Could you please pick me up something when you go? Thanks Girl! CT” Now, in her defense, she did pay for lunch every other day, and I was usually planning on going out anyway. HOWEVER, on the days it was her turn to pay, she was always “in the mood for” something cheap, like Taco Bell, or Burger King. When it was my days to pay she “had to have” (insert expensive Italian place, or gourmet deli, or anything else that costs a hell of a lot more than a combo meal). This, of course, did not take into account the gas I was spending every single day to schlep around town getting us food. Or the fact that I had to park a mile away from the office and tote back her lunch. Several times I would say maybe she should go get lunch, and she would always say, “Oh, I have a late lunch today, we will be starving by then.” Sure enough, she had managed to get her lunch permanently moved to an hour later. I said I was not going out a few times, and she would morph into this mega BITCH! She was so rude, and would just sit there pouting and I would end up having to do her work too, it was just easier to let her walk all over me.

About six months after I started in this new department I went and got knocked-up. And then came the morning sickness, oh, the morning sickness. I LOST so much weight my first trimester (don’t worry, I have since found it). Carol would request these huge meaty sandwiches, or things with peppers, or hot sauce. Ugh. I feel nauseous just thinking about it. When I told her I was sick and would not be getting anymore smelly food, she mocked me behind my back, and to my face said it was all in my head. I started passively aggressively doing things to her. I would look forward to days when she was off. I would buy the most expensive thing I could on her days to pay. When she did not have cash and would hand me her debit card to pay I would always sign it Ms. Bitchy McBadweave. I would drink part of her lemonade and then fill up the rest of the cup with water. One time when I had a cold, I opened up her food and breathed all over it (I came to work with a cold, but she never would). Finally, finally the day came that I had just had enough. She wanted Chinese food. Fine by me, I love a good sesame chicken. It was my turn to pay, and she handed me a huge list of food to order. Like HUGE. I asked her how she was going to eat all of that and she said she was just hungry. Later that day I heard her on her cell (can you tell what a good employee she was?) telling her boyfriend she had dinner for them already. Chinese food. SNAP! That night I went to the store and stocked up on pregnancy friendly frozen meals. I bought a tiny little cooler and some of those blue ice thingys. I brought my lunch to work until I went on maternity leave. I did save a TON of money, but man was I ever sick of Lean Cuisine and baby carrot sticks. Carol did not so much as email after a week of me saying, “no, I brought my lunch today.” Oh, that is not true. One time she came up to my desk to tell me that all of those carrots were bad for the baby and he was going to come out orange. “But at least that is better than pasty white like you.” She was SO MEAN to me. I was really scared of her. I once overheard her tell a story about how she punched some girl at a club because she had tried to “get up all in my man’s business”.

I tried my very, very best to ignore her. It was a small department, so that was a challenge. A month or two go by, I was a week away from my maternity leave. I get an email. I c&p’d it to my yahoo account that same day just in case I ever needed proof of her craziness, so this is exactly what she wrote:

“Hey girlfriend! You sure do look pretty and pregnant today! You are justa glowing. ; ) I can’t wait until My Man and I have a baby, Hope I am not to old! LOLOLOL. Can I ask you a HUGE favor? It is a big one, but I just KNOW you will say YES because you are such a good person and GOD has BLESSED you sooo MUCH! My MAN bought an ENGAGEMENT RING!!! a few month ago ((i looked at his cc statement lol, sssh:) ) But hasn’t POP the question! I am getting impatient! LOL. I bought a PG test at lunch today and was wondering if you would take it for me. I thought that might speed things along. I already told him I was pregnant this AM, and he was SUPER excited, and said to save the test so he could see it. I would bring it back to you tomorrow. Please? It would mean so much and I will cover for you while you take the test.thanks GIRL! Oh, and make sure to keep this on the DL. CT”

I read the email five times to make sure I understood what I was reading. She wanted me to pee on a stick so that she could trick her boyfriend into proposing? Dear Lord, how was I supposed to deal with that? I knew I should hightail it over to HR, but she would be pissed beyond belief, and I was scared of her remember. I also knew I could not help trick some poor sap into being saddled with this crazy chick, I also was not comfortable giving someone something covered in my pee. This is how I responded. Also c&p’d:

“Hey Carol, Thanks for telling me I look pretty, I need all of the compliments I can get right now because I sure feel like a whale. I do realize I am blessed, but so are you! God will give you a baby when the time is right, and 37 is not too old anymore. As far as the favor goes, you know I would love to help you but it just would not work. Those tests are super sophisticated, and measure the hormones in your urine. The hormones that give a positive are only present in the urine of someone in their first 20 weeks of pregnancy. I am 38 weeks. Sorry! Maybe you should take the test, you could be pregnant and not even know it, LOL. Have a great weekend, -HYHB”

I did mention this woman was pretty stupid right? That she did not even know how to Google? I prayed she would buy that load of BS. Her response:

“Oh, I didn’t know that! You learn something new everyday! Make sure you delete that email I sent you, it would be bad if it fell into the wrong hands. I am just going to see if I can fake it with purple marker. LOL. Hey, what are you doing for lunch today. I sure would like some Chinese! CT”

My revenge? I was making more money than her after having been there for a year compared to her eight. I have a wonderful husband who did not have to be tricked into marrying me. Oh, and I published her email on the Internet. I wish I had the courage to email her a link.

Epilogue: Our whole department got laid off when The Son was six months old. Carol was still not engaged to her man at that time.

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