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Bridesmainia: a tutorial
August 25th, 2008
Step One: Answer your phone when your friend calls from New Orleans to squeal “He PROPOSED!!! SQUEEEE!” Do not charge her for the required audiologist appointment due to her squealing.
Step Two: When your friend hems and hahs over that ever so important maid/matron of honor title, because the truth of the matter is that she has three best friends, just stand in order of height and know that you are all honored and loved friends.
Step Three: Listen patiently to all nine hundred phone calls detailing the intricacies between navy blue and midnight blue, and why all rentals must be nickel not just silver. Also, politely respond to each email obsessing over “But what if it rains?!?” (p.s. it will.)
Step Four: Wear what the bride wants you to. If that means you are now the proud owner of a floor length midnight blue chiffon overlay skirt with the matching top of your choice (and by your choice, I mean that you have a pick of one of the five that the bride has deemed appro.) Oh, and make sure the shoes are silver. Not clear. Silver. Also? When the bride gives you jewelry right before the wedding? That means you should wear it at the wedding. If you wear it again, great. If not? Not her problem.
Step Five: Go to all of her showers, oooh, and awww at serving dishes and decorative bowls. Make lists of gifts for thank you notes. Collect all ribbons to make a bouquet for the rehearsal dinner. Laugh politely when shower guests remind the bride that every ribbon she breaks means that is one more baby she will have.
Step Six: Hot glue gossamer til your fingers bleed. Or, string twinkly lights till your arms ache. Or, do the Mother of the Bride’s bidding without complaint.
Step Seven: When the Bride tells you the rehearsal dinner has a theme, smile and nod. And wear your lei proudly. Also, it is a good idea to not be five hours late. If you happen to be five hours late, let the bride continue to bring it up for at least five years.
Step Eight: Stay up late doing table assignments. This is of utmost importance. You know it is going to rain, making this a colossal waste of time. Do it anyway.
Step Nine: Start drinking early the day of the wedding. I would say noonish is about right. Keep the bride happy and occupied, and if you happen to walk into her room to bring her the phone while she is applying lotion ((nude)), keep your eyes heavenward.
Step Ten: Help fasten all of the buckles, buttons, zippers, and snaps of the wedding dress. Be done an hour before wedding starts, play Taboo or another distracting game to keep the bride from having a no sleep, holy crap I am getting married meltdown.
Step Eleven: Grasp the arm of a wooly mammoth or balding cousin and prance down the aisle on your silver shoes holding your forty pound bouquet (which must be kept held high, “No drooping flowers ladies!”)
Step Twelve: Keep drinking. More. More. There that should do it. Now Dance! Eat! Make toasts! Slosh through the mud, pass out flip-flops to party guests, eat wedding cake straight from the cake stand, light people’s sparklers, remove your um, foundation garment, and place it in a bush. Actually now might be the time to stop drinking. Or not. Sure why not drink some more.
Step Thirteen: Show up on time to wedding breakfast even though you are hung over. Be glad the bride married the love of her life so you do not have to do it again.
The best bridesmaids ever, who did all of this, without complaint and more. The Lovely Ang, Shoeshe, and Cat. I could not have asked for better, but I still kinda feel like one was missing.
They might have been just a wee bit tipsy in this picture.
Filed under Friends-All three of them |11 Responses to “Bridesmainia: a tutorial”
Ya think (on us being tipsy)?
I’d do it all again in a heartbeat (well, no…I wouldn’t…you and The Husband are perfect for each other, so I don’t expect to have to do it all again).
I may even be on time to the next event (not 5 hours late). I really am sorry I was so late, but I think I more than made up for it on the day of the wedding.
By the way, is Big Top Wedding Reception now funny, or are you still not over it completely?
P.S. For all those would-be bridesmaids out there: If you are going to indulge in adult beverages at your best friend’s wedding, then also avoid the videographer. This was my biggest mistake. After partaking of several (I mean like 3) drinks, I did a Tigger dance for the camera and ate straight from the wedding cake (all the while thinking it was hilarious). Now, those idiotic moments are captured on film, and I’m quite sure I’ll never fully live them down.
Hey You…you mean more to me than any other friend I’ve ever had. So, any Bridezilla moments have been forgotten. What I remember is that you won. You got the love of your life, and that love now radiates off of you two onto your lovely son. I’m so happy for all three of you.
Man I was so tan! And my hair was so long and red!
I don’t remember any bridezilla moments. I do remember having a lot of fun kicking a big roll of gossamer across a wet yard at 10:30 at night. Oh the dancing tent which soon became the smoking tent, how sad.
It was my fault about the cake (I think) I thought at the time it would be a funny picture and I think it still is a funny picture, sorry I have no class I suppose.
I wasn’t very good and following what the bride’s mom wanted without complaint I don’t think. I think I remember upsetting her and I still feel really bad about that.
I probably could have been a better bridesmaid at times, but still the groom did let my only child (at the time) fall down a flight of stairs so I think we are somewhat even?
Oh well it was all fun, but glad it only happened once and that it stuck (knew it would, but still nice to know)
I still have my jewlery(I still wear on occasion), tiara headband thing(I still put on somtimes) and dress(sorry haven’t really worn but it is pretty), but mostly I have fun memories of that week.
Oh, and I liked my Hawaiian ensemble. I had those cute (although a bit grandma-like) flowered capris and a coordinating top. So, themed parties are pretty fun!
The funniest memory was (edited because of who reads this site..hey you)
I am surprised that any of the three of you could walk by the end of the night, and three drinks? Shoeshe you had three drinks just while getting your hair done! We just fast forward past the Tigger dance on the video…it is really …bad. No, the mud is still not funny, give it another five years and it might be. My biggest regret is not wearing my wedding dress anyway at the reception, I mean it is not like I was going to wear it again! If it were not for that, and the music not working, I think it would be funny now. We might need to do a redo reception in ten or so years. Will you three still have your dresses?
Cat, I had NO Idea about MG falling down the stairs on The Husbands watch, was that why he decided not to be RB? I thought it had to do with rain. It also explains why TH will not let TS play on the stairs at church now. (I do though…ssssshhhh!) I loved kicking the gossamer too, remember when we hit dog poo? heehee. I also loved my luau ensemble, it was a fun night as well!
Oh and Cat in the whole ten(!) years I have known you, that is the way I liked your hair best…love the red!
And I was tan too…but now I would rather be pale and less worried about getting cancer. (SHOESHE STILLS GOES TO THE TANNING BED!!)
If you’ll remember, I didn’t get to drink while getting my hair done, because I was paying for being 5 hours late the day before. I was helping your brother, your mother, and anyone else who needed help…not enjoying adult beverages.
Sorry I couldn’t comment earlier…I was too busy WORKING!! This post brought back TONS of memories from that weekend. The one thing that sticks out the most was staying up super-late the night before the wedding to do seating arrangements, then we didn’t even use them!! I was so irritated!! Also, I had forgotten about ShoeShe being very very late. I do, however, remember very well the river (!) running through the middle of the tent. And all the mud. And my husband eating his dinner under an umbrella (while under the tent). LOL!!
I don’t think I was that tan, I haven’t been to a tanning bed for a good 10 years or so. But my hair looked nice. And I still have the jewelry, though I haven’t worn it since the wedding. Same with the dress. I’m pretty sure I still have the tiara, but I cannot at this time be sure of its whereabouts. Last year when we moved, I came across the tiki and coconut cups from the rehearsal dinner. Threw them away as I didn’t really need them (not really sure why I kept them even). All in all, it was a good time, and the wine certainly helped smooth out all the wrinkles.
By the way, Hey You, it looks like you may have scanned some of those photos into your computer. Do you think you could send me a few, seeing as I didn’t get a single picture from that wedding. I would especially like a copy of Joe eating under the umbrella and the one of me with a glass of wine (ha, isn’t that all the pictures??). You know which one I mean, I think. I also wouldn’t mind one of the entire wedding party. I can just steal the one pictured here. Thanks!!
yea I am rather pale now, though this summer I did get an odd tan during mission camps and outdoor youth activities, really bad tan lines including a flip flop tan. I was thinking of cutting my hair as it is getting really long but seeing that pictures makes me want to keep it.
I remember deciding which bowl was to go with which table based on what the table was called. I remember me and HeyYou’s brother getting really into that, to the point where we peeved offed the mother of the bride, not a good thing to do the eve of the wedding, but it was still fun.
Yes MG fell down the stairs and busted his lip and was pretty upset, one of the main reasons he didn’t do ring bearer. Of course seing what happened at our other darling friend’s wedding, you may not have wanted him to do it.
I do recall Shoeshe filling little puff pastries along with the army working in the kitchen to finish the Hors D’oeuvres and waiting til later, like me, to go to the Beauty Salon. Hey You accused me of excessively drinking champagne at the Salon too because I did the hula there, but I wasn’t high on anything but life itself.
Also, if I was snippy with anyone during preparations, it was merely stress in bringing all this together to create the vision Hey You had of the backyard reception she was adamant about. And, then at the last moment having to wait for the tent to be erected before we could set up the tables and decorations causing us to delay until the day of the wedding instead of the night before once we knew rain was an extreme possibility. So please forgive me.
Regarding the night, all I remember is the laughter. Five years later people still tell me it was the most memorable reception they’ve ever been to inspite of the rain. In fact, I’m not sure it would have been as memorable without the rain.
The other thing I remember is the humility of having such a loving family of friends who helped pull the whole thing off. What a blessing they all were.
Oh, grammy, you’re too hard on yourself. You may have been slightly snippy, but what MOB (mother of the bride) wouldn’t be? And, yes…you were beyond stressed, but again…what MOB wouldn’t be?