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Our Brothers’ Keepers
August 13th, 2008
My brother is exactly three years and one month younger than me. If I squeeze my eyes tight and try to remember my very earliest memory, it is of my dad holding me up to peer through a cloudy pane of Plexiglas at a smiling nurse holding my downy-headed brother. My second memory? Waking up from an afternoon nap in tears because I had a dream (napmare?) about my little brother being “really sick”; of my mom holding my hand as we tiptoed through the blue and red nursery to peek at him peacefully dozing in his crib.
My entire cognizant life I have been an older sister. I would be lying to say that we never fought, that I never did anything cruel, that I never wished I was an only child. However, every single happy memory I have of my perfectly nuclear family of origin includes him. I suppose I thought he would be present for all of my happy adult memories too, but that is naive. He is an adult. He has his own life, a life of which we are just a teeny part, a life I cannot force him to share. The big sister in me wants to tell him what to do, to tell him to get his brilliant, snarky ass back in college, to not partake in nicotine, to call his mother. Do I want to be my brother’s keeper? It would appear so.
I met my brother-in-law almost seven years ago, of course he was not my BIL then, he was just J.
He was just emerging from a dark time in his adolescent years, and had come to live with his four year older brother, my adorable new boyfriend, to “get his life together”. The first night I was introduced to J the three of us talked for hours in their tiny, oh so gross, apartment. My big sister gene immediately kicked in. As The Husband and I got married and settled into our new matrimonial bliss, J would come over almost every day and camp out on our couch. By this time he was every bit as much my brother as JHJ. We moved towns; so did he. We still saw him several times a week while he was in school, he would be there anytime his brother wanted to have “guy” time, anytime he was sick of dorm food, anytime he missed us. I slowly, but surely, started to spend more time with my BIL than I did my brother…and I noticed. Did my brother? Is that when I stopped being a confidant?
Now that BIL and JHJ are both bona fide adults, they do not seem to need us as much. Or, they do not let us help as much; no more subsidizing emotionally, physically, financially as we once did. The Husband feels this loss as keenly as I do, he has the same “keeper” urges as I do, he loves them both every bit as much as I do. The worst part is that one of our brothers lives less than a mile away, but the span is the same. Miles or despondency, the results are equal. Both of these grown men do things that make The Husband and I want to bang our heads against the wall with irritation and consternation, do they feel that way about us? Is it a singularly elder sibling affliction?
When do you let them go? Have we waited too long? Do we wash our hands and act as though we are merely acquaintances with a shared past history? Do we spend Thanksgiving reminiscing and cordially asking to pass the potatoes? Is it too much to yearn for the relationships we once had, that of dare I say, friend? Is this part of those growing pains that should have happened to us in our teens? Did we both come from such close families that it makes the gulf smart all that much more? Is this an argument for a sibling for The Son, or against?
Filed under Family-blame the DNA, lexapro lexplains it |3 Responses to “Our Brothers’ Keepers”
Hey You and The Husband, Joe and I can very much understand how you feel, being older siblings ourselves. My little brother (who just happens to be 27 yrs old) lives many many miles away. Joe’s little bro (25? years old) still lives in our hometown state. They both have done things that make us want to ram our heads through the wall, and we both still want to interfere and tell them how they should live their lives (me more than Joe, as I’m more bossy than he is).
It seems that Joe’s brother (who happens to share the same name as The Husband’s brother, odd…) has turned his life around by now. He is no longer a slave to credit cards, has a cushy govt. job, has a girlfriend (I’ve never met her), and has found God. We are very proud of him.
My brother, on the other hand, seems to barely be getting by. He has 2 kids, and is working for barely more than minimum wage. They are receiving govt. help. Recently, one of the kiddos got sick, and they put off taking him to the doctor because of a lack of health insurance. This infuriated me, and I could go on and on about the things that my brother does that infuriates me. But he’s still my brother, and I still love him, and I still want him to be happy. When we were young, we were very close, as we were the only people we could count on. Now that has shifted a bit, but I hope that my brother knows he can always count on me no matter how irritated I get at the things that he does.
Siblings are strange creatures indeed. At times we seem to love them, and then other times we seem to love them not so much. But, I’ve always thought that when Joe and I decide to increase our family, we will have at least 2 children. The reason being so that they will have a friend, no matter what (hopefully).
I am a younger sibling and I am kind of jealous because for most of my live since thirteen, my brother hasn’t seemed to want to be too involved in my life, though I am sure he always loved me. We were close at one time as we lived in a very small community and really had only each other for company. I think because he hated where we lived so much and took off far away, we drifted apart because of distance and because he didn’t want to be reminded of the place he left behind. Now he seems kind of nervous around me and not sure what to do. He is trying though. Even though this has all happened I could not imagine my life without him. We had a great time growing up and he got me though a lot.
Now I have two boys of my own and I love watching them together. I love watching MG (the oldest) teach Westers something new, or when Westers goes around copying his big brother because he thinks he is awesome (his own words). They share a room right now (even though we have an extra bedroom) because I think it is good for them, and it is so wonderful to go in before bedtime and see MG reading to Westers and Westers so excited to be with his big brother. Of course they fight and they annoy each other, but that is all a part of the relationship. I couldn’t imagine either one finding a better friend than each other.
Of course you have to decide for yourself whether you want another child, but my family has been so blessed having our two boys. I can’t imagine one without the other.
Thinking back to when you and JHJ were children I recall a conversation with a much older, wiser woman who had observed the two of you for some time. Audrey McWhorter, a mother of five grown children and your kindergarten teacher, commented on sibling relationships. She remarked that the bond the two of you had was exceptional. Going on she said that through her years of working with children she had learned to spot those exceptional relationships and that those children invariably grew into adults with close family ties.
I believe that this stage in each of brothers lives, is just that a stage. The love which they feel for you, and which each of you feel for them remains. In due time I truly believe the old friendship will be restored. This also applies to the old friendship with Hey You 2.